2013년 11월 27일 수요일

About 'fifty shades of gray for men'|Fifty Shades of Grey: Suitable for Television Only







About 'fifty shades of gray for men'|Fifty Shades of Grey: Suitable for Television Only








A               few               days               ago,               as               he               was               leaving               with               the               seer,               Richard's               doctor,               a               thin               and               elegant               man               named               Newman               pulled               Duane               aside               and               said,               "Have               you               thought               about               our               talk?"               "Yes.

No."
               "What?"
               "Yes,               I've               thought               about               it               and               the               answer               is               no."
               "Do               you               think               this               is               a               good               life               for               Richard?"
               "Define               a               good               life               doctor."
               "Mr.

Cushman,               do               you               think               this               is               what               Richard               would               want?

This               kind               of               living?

Don't               you               think               he'd               hate               this?"
               "I               don't               know.

I               don't               know               what               kind               of               life               it               is               or               how               he               feels               about               it               but               it's               all               he's               got.

I               won't               take               it               away               from               him."
               "Laying               in               a               bed?

Someone               cleaning               him?

Fed               through               a               tube?

Seeing               nothing,               hearing               nothing?

Do               you               think               he'd               want               such               a               life?"
               "Do               you               know               what               he               sees               or               hears               doctor?"
               "Nothing.

that's               what."
               "And               you               know               this               how?

Have               you               spoken               to               him?

Asked               him?"
               "The               tests               show..."
               "The               tests."               Duane               stepped               to               the               doctor               so               that               they               were               nearly               touching               noses.

"I               think               maybe               new               we've               gotten               into               territory               that               can't               be               tested.

What's               the               deal?

Wrong               squiggle               on               your               little               screen               and               you               pull               the               plug?"
               "Now               hold               on..."
               "Hold               on?"               Duane               laughed.

"That's               all               I               do               these               days.

Hold               on               my               ass.

How               much               does               someone               have               to               prove               to               you               before               you               believe               they               have               a               life               that               deserves               respect?

What               should               people               be               capable               of               before               you               think               they               can               be               allowed               to               live?

Small               motor               repair?

Tying               their               shoes?

Advanced               calculus?

Where               exactly               do               you               draw               the               line               between               a               right               to               live               and               wasted               space?

When               does               killing               change               from               homicide               to               mercy?

What's               the               protocol               here?"
               "Mr.

Cushman..."
               "What's               the               rush               doctor?

You               can               kill               him               any               day,               it               the               resurrecting               that's               a               bitch."
               "No               one's               talking               about               killing               anyone."
               "What               do               you               call               it               then?

What's               the               acceptable               medical               term?"
               "Mr.

Cushman,               are               you               thinking               about               him               or               yourself?"
               "Meaning?"
               "Meaning               do               you               think               this               is               what               he               wants               or               are               you               afraid               to               let               go?

To               lose               your               son?"
               "Of               course               I'm               afraid               to               let               go.

Of               course               I               don't               want               to               lose               my               son.

What               do               you               think               I               am?

How               about               you?

What's               the               big               fucking               rush?

You               need               to               free               up               a               bed?

The               insurance               going               to               run               out?"
               Dr.

Newton               turned               away               from               Duane               then               saying,               "I               don't               have               to               listen               to               this."
               "No               you               don't,"               Duane               said.

"You               can               leave.

I'm               the               one               who               has               to               stay               here."
               The               woman               in               the               blue               suit               with               a               gray               and               pink               tie               leaned               across               the               library               table               she               used               as               a               desk               and               said               to               Duane,               "Atlantis               is               a               myth.

Mu.

Now               Mu               is               something               else               again."
               "Mu?"
               "An               empire.

It               spread               across               the               Pacific               from               Southeast               Asia               to               the               islands."
               "I               see."
               "The               stone               works               at               Ponape               were               built               by               the               Murians."
               "Really."
               "So               was               Ankor               Wat.

Have               you               heard               of               Ankor               Wat?"
               "Yes."
               "Then               you               know.

Mulaga               is               from               Mu.

She               was               a               warrior               princess."
               "She's               your               spirit               helper?"
               "You               do               know."
               "I've               read               a               little,               that's               all."
               "You               have               to               be               careful               what               you               read."
               "Why               is               that?"
               "Misinformation."
               "Oh               yes."
               "And               you               wish               to               speak               with               whom?"
               "His               name?"
               "Richard."
               "Richard.

How               old               was               he               when               he               passed?"
               "He               hasn't."
               "He               hasn't               passed."
               "I               think               there's               been               a               mistake.

I               don't               look               for               lost               children.

I               communicate               with               the               dead."
               "He's               not               lost.

He's               in               a               coma.

He               was               nearly               five               when               that               happened."
               "But               he's               still               alive?"
               "I               think               so.

That's               what               the               doctors               say."
               "I               can't               help               you."
               "Can't               you               try?"
               "I               don't               know,               no.

I               can't               help               you."
               That               day               as               he               went               into               the               break               room               to               put               his               lunch               in               the               fridge               Lorraine,               one               of               the               cashiers               and               a               sweet               lady               as               big               as               a               house               said,               "Good               morning               Duane."
               He               nodded               to               her,               smiled               and               she               said,               "Duane,               say               'good               morning               Lorraine'."
               "Good               morning               Lorraine,"               he               said.
               "How               are               you               today?"
               He               shrugged               and               she               said,               "Say               'just               fine'               Duane."
               They               walked               together               through               the               shelves               loaded               with               non-perishables               out               to               the               store               proper               and               he               saw               the               line               beginning               in               the               cookies               and               bread               aisle               and               bending               back               toward               dairy;               a               line               of               dark               people,               the               men               bare-headed               and               the               women               scarved,               most               with               either               rosaries               or               clutched               Bibles;               a               quiet,               mumbling               line               and               Duane               asked,               "What's               this."
               "They               think               they               see               the               mother."
               "Who's               mother?"
               "You               know.

The               virgin               mother,               the               Catholic               mother.

Mary."
               "Oh.

See               her               where?
               "I'm               not               sure.

Haven't               gone               to               look.

One               guy               said               it's               in               the               condensation               on               the               beer               case.

Another               said               it               was               in               the               ice               in               the               ice               cream               freezer.

Something...it               breaks               my               heart."
               When               she               said               that               Duane               looked               at               her,               saw               she               was               being               serious.
               "Breaks               your               heart?"
               "Yeah.

These               wetbacks,               they're               still               too               new.

They               don't               know               yet."
               "Know               what?"
               Lorraine               pulled               a               small               wad               of               crumpled               bills               from               her               pocket,               waved               them               at               Duane.

"This               is               the               god               of               America."
               "Trent               heard               about               it?"
               "Yeah.

Colin               said               he               called               the               police."
               "Isn't               there               a               new               man               in               meat?

Mexican               or               something...what's               his               name?"
               "Leon,"               Lorraine               said.
               "Yeah,               Leon.

Is               he               Mexican               Mexican?

I               mean,               can               he               speak               Spanish?"
               "Yeah,               he               hasn't               been               here               long."
               "You               know               if               he's               in               yet?"               Duane               said.
               Leon               was               a               small               man,               about               the               same               size               as               Duane;               short               and               slightly               built               with               graying               dark               hair               in               tight               curls               who               managed               to               project               determination               and               competency               through               an               overall               nervous               anxiety.
               "I               want               you               to               prop               open               the               north               door,"               Duane               said.
               "The               north               door?"
               "Yeah,               the               north               door.

It               has               the               least               traffic.

Would               you               do               something               for               me?

Get               some               cardboard               and               make               signs,               in               Spanish?

Telling               them               to               come               in               that               way?

You               know,               'this               way               to               the               mother'               or               something?"
               "Yes,"               Leon               said.
               "And               direct               these               people,               the               line               of               people,               to               come               around               that               way?"
               "Yes,"               Leon               said.
               "Thank               you               Leon,"               Duane               said.
               "Of               course,"               Leon               said.
               That               day               as               the               dark               people               shuffled               out               and               then               back               in               again               through               the               north               door               freeing               up               the               bread               aisle               for               paying               customers               and               filing               down               the               wide               outside               aisle               where               there               was               room               for               everyone;               as               this               was               taking               shape               and               the               mumbling               continued               in               the               dairy               section               Colin               and               Lorraine               both               came               looking               for               Lorraine.

Colin               got               there               first               and               happily               said,               "Trent               wants               to               see               you."
               Lorraine,               three               or               four               steps               behind               the               beaming               Colin,               smiled               at               Duane               as               he               passed               and               then               sadly               watched               him               walk               back               through               the               double               door               with               the               employees               only               sign.
               The               manager's               office               was               in               a               mezzanine               perched               high               so               that               the               whole               store               floor               was               in               view               and               up               there               Trent               said,               
               "What               the               hell               are               you               doing?"
               I've               got               the               cops               coming               to               roust               these               spics               and               you're               accommodating               them."
               "I               was               getting               the               store               in               order,               so               they               wouldn't               be               a               hindrance               to               our               shoppers."
               "Listen               padre               Duane,               I've               called               the               cops.

This               bullshit's               going               to               stop               real               quick.

Shit."
               "I               made               a               call               too,"               Duane               said.
               "So?"
               "To               the               newspaper.

They               sending               a               guy               over               to               do               a               feature               on               the               religious               phenomenon."
               "You               called               the               paper?"
               "The               TV               station               too.

They're               sending               a               film               crew."
               "What?"
               "So               maybe               you               should               consider,               do               you               take               your               head               out               of               your               ass               for               just               a               minute               and               go               down,               grin               at               the               camera               and               get               free               publicity               showing               the               store               to               be               a               sympathetic               member               of               the               community               or               do               you               let               the               cops               break               it               up               and               show               your               true,               dipshit               self?"
               "You               think               you               can               get               away               with               this?"
               "With               what?"
               "You               think               you               can               fuck               with               me               and               get               away               with               it?

You'd               better               start               thinking               about               life               after               Ralph's."
               "You               think               you               can               find               somebody               else               who'll               do               this               job               as               long               as               I               have,               as               well               as               I               have?

Someone               who               cares               as               much               as               I               do,               just               hire               them.

All               right.

I'm               sick               of               your               shit."
               "You               can't               talk               to               me..."
               "Fuck               you.

I've               been               fighting               the               booze               for               seven               years               now,               winning               most               of               the               time.

There's               been               slips,               but               I've               always               beat               it               back               again.

Seven               years               taking               the               licks               every               damned               day.

That               means               I'm               probably               the               toughest               damned               son               of               a               bitch               you've               ever               met.

You               want               to               try               me               on,               go               right               ahead               and               we'll               see               who               walks               on               whose               guts."
               "Duane..."
               "Maybe               I               should               reevaluate               my               options               as               well.

Maybe               I               should               just               reevaluate               finding               another               job.

And               maybe,               before               you               come               after               me               again,               you'd               better               look               down               your               pants               and               reevaluate               just               how               big               your               dick               really               is."
               "Duane..."
               He               slept               walked,               sometimes,               waking               to               find               himself               standing               in               the               middle               of               the               apartment,               on               a               night               call,               the               voice               calling               'daddy,               daddy,'               still               echoing               in               his               head.
               Once               he               woke               up               standing               in               front               of               the               open               refrigerator,               reaching               for               baby               bottles               a               decade               gone.
               That               day               on               his               lunch               break               Duane               drove               down               a               street               of               small,               rented               houses               where               people               parked               their               cars               in               their               yards,               yards               worn               to               sandy               soil,               the               surviving               grass               reduced               to               short,               browning               patches.
               South               32nd               Avenue               was               a               little               road               off               of               Harry               Street               where               the               city's               authority               and               ambition               began               to               wear               thin.

Some               streets               were               paved,               some               weren't               and               some               partly.
               Duane               drove               slowly               looking               for               house               numbers               until               he               came               to               1413               and               saw               Randy               bent               over               looking               in               under               a               car's               raised               hood.

Duane               pulled               in               behind               the               car               and               Randy               walked               to               him.
               "Randy,"               Duane               said               through               he               open               window.
               "How               are               you               Duane?"
               "I'm               okay.

How               about               you?

What's               up               with               you?"
               "Nothing.

Nothing's               up."
               "I've               got               you               down               as               sick.

Nobody               knows               any               different."
               "You               do?"
               "Yes,               I               do.

You               can               come               back.

Just               like               anybody.

Come               back               and               go               to               work."
               "No.

I'm               not               just               like               anybody."
               "Why               not?"
               "It               wasn't               working."
               "What               wasn't               working.

Tell               me.

Maybe               we               can               fix               it,               whatever..."
               "You               can't               fix               it               Duane.

It's               not               a               thing               you               can               just....fix."
               "What               can               I               do               for               you?"
               "What?"
               "Tell               me               what               to               do."
               "You               can't               do               anything."
               "Tell               me               what               I               can               do."
               "Do               what               man?

Do               what?"
               "What               can               I               do               to               help               you?"
               "Who               do               you               think               you               are?

What               makes               you               think               you               can               change               anything?

Do               anything               about               anything?

Jesus               Christ,               just               leave               me               alone."
               "The               parole               office'll               be               calling."
               "I               know."
               "What               do               I               tell               them?"
               "For               Christ's               sake,               I               don't               give               a               shit               what               you               tell               him.

Tell               him               whatever               you               want."
               "All               right."
               "Tell               him               the               truth               Duane,               just               tell               him               the               truth."
               "I               don't               know               what               the               truth               is               Randy."
               "Duane,               fuck.

You're               a               nice               guy,               but               it's               not               up               to               you               you               know.

Sometimes               there's               nothing               to               do.

Sometimes               you               just               have               to               let               it               play               out."
               "What               are               you               playing               out?"
               "I               don't               know               yet.

I'll               find               out               I               guess.

We               all               have               to               find               our               own               end               Duane.

Like               it               or               not.

Go               back               to               work               Duane               don't               get               yourself               in               trouble               on               my               account."
               That               day               the               first               beer               after               all               those               years               led               to               seven               more,               as               he               knew               it               would               from               the               moment               he               walked               into               the               club.

At               home               at               the               bar,               his               little               assemblage               of               props               set               out;               glass               and               ash               tray,               the               pack               of               Luckies               close               to               hand,               the               Zippo               atop               it;               the               resigned               man               looking               back               from               the               mirror.
               Drinking               he               could               see               things,               not               fantastic               things               or               the               future,               but               ghosts,               resurrected               shades               of               past               times               and               lives               and               if               he               drank               enough               he               could,               just               for               a               bit,               put               himself               back               there,               in               those               gone               days               and               feel               them               again,               bring               the               old               dead               joys               to               life               once               more               and               believe,               just               for               a               bit,               that               such               things               were               still               possible.
               The               pick-your-own               strawberry               field               was,               like               most               things,               the               sum               of               its               past.

Plow-ripped               and               planted,               it               had               been               packed               down               again               by               the               rain,               seared               by               the               sun               and,               on               the               day               the               fruit               was               ready,               lay               scarred               and               granulated,               smelling               like               sieved               stone               and               easily               stirred               by               any               breeze               to               catch               in               the               throat               and               choke               you.
               The               boy,               sneezing,               ran               down               the               rows,               his               calling               parents               lagging,               the               boy               wrenching               the               berries               loose               and               eating               them               before               they               could               be               sacked,               weighed,               paid               for.

Galloping,               he               grinned,               his               collar               soaked               with               juice.

His               father               and               mother,               laughing,               called               "Rickie,               Rickie!"
               "Hey,               what               you               doing?"
               The               channeler,               Duane               had               to               think               a               minute               to               bring               the               name               to               mind               -               Eugene,               Eugene               Martin.

He'd               touched               Richard's               head               and               found               dreams.
               "I'm               having               a               relapse,"               Duane               said.
               "Can               I               sit?"
               "Sure."
               Martin               sat               his               own               glass               down               beside               Duane's,               pulled               the               stool               out               and               slipped               sideways               onto               it,               smiling               at               Duane               and               looking               across               the               room.

Then               he               looked               back               to               Duane.
               "Well,               is               this               a               slip               or               a               full               blown               relapse?"
               "Don't               know               yet.

You               sound               like               you've               been               to               a               meeting               or               two."
               "Oh               yes,               shopping.

Damaged               goods.

I               can't               resist."               His               gaze               jumped               over               Duane's               shoulder,               then               back               again.

"Jesus,               can               I               pick               them.

How'd               you               like               my               reading?"
               "It               was               very               nice."
               "It               was               bullshit."
               "Bullshit?"
               "Yes.

Of               the               highest               grade.

I               work               hard               on               my               bullshit.

How               long's               your               son               been               this               way."
               "Almost               fourteen               years."
               "His               mother?"
               Duane               waved               vaguely               at               the               room.

"Gone,               somewhere.

She               didn't               take               it               well."
               "Was               it               something               she               did?"
               "No.

She               thinks               it               was               but               it               just               happened."
               "And               you're               here?"
               "Yeah,               I'm               here.

That's               what               I               do.

I'm               the               one               that               stays               here."
               "A               precious               quality,               that."
               "Maybe               just               a               lack               of               imagination."
               "The               world               could               use               more               loyalty               like               yours."
               "Maybe.

Maybe               it's               just               inertia.

I               love               my               son               and               he's               still               here               to               love.

Maybe               I'm               just               not               strong               enough               yet.

For               the               grieving."
               "Won't               let               go?"
               "Yeah,               well.

You               make               your               living               off               of               people               who               won't               let               go."
               "That's               the               truth."
               "It               ever               bother               you?

I               mean,               isn't               it               taking               advantage?"
               "Oh               yes.

It               is               taking               advantage.

Taking               advantage               of               grief               and               mourning               and               human               suffering,               but               it's               treating               them               as               well.

You               think               I'm               just               bullshit.

You're               right               but               I'll               tell               you               something.

They               know               it               too.

You               think               I'm               a               con               man,               I               don't.

I'm               in               the               service               sector."
               "These               people,               my               clients               know               this               is               bullshit.

They               don't               admit               it               to               themselves,               but               they               know.

They're               whistling               in               the               dark               here.

Going               through               the               motions               in               the               faint               hope               that               there               might,               possibly,               be               something               to               it.

How               many               people               in               church               think               that               they're               prayers               will               be               answered?

For               certain               sure?

Just               the               crazy               ones.

The               rest               are               making               insurance               payments.

Just               in               case."
               "We're               all               playing               the               game               here."               I               know               better,               they               know               better               but               they               want               to               pretend.

So               we               pretend.

I               have               the               ability               to               make               people               feel               good               about               their               delusions,               the               will               and               performing               skill               to,               for               a               few               minutes,               make               them               think               they're               right,               really               believe.

For               a               little               bit,               before               they               have               to               walk               back               into               the               hot,               bright               sun."
               Duane               wasn't               listening               anymore,               but               drinking               and               looking               into               space.

He               said,               "People               say               'get               on               with               it."               Get               on               with               what?

They               don't               tell               you               that.

You               supposed               to               just               forget               everybody,               everything,               make               a               new               life?

How               many               lives               do               we               get,               are               we               supposed               to               have?

How               can               everyman's               life               be               exciting,               historic?

What               are               we               supposed               to               do?

Not               everyone               is               creative.

Not               everyone               is               talented.

A               lot               of               people               aren't               even               particularly               smart.

What               the               hell               are               they               supposed               to               get               on               with?

Finding               their               one               true               love?

What               kind               of               bullshit               is               that?

What...you               give               a               marriage               a               few               months               and               if               it               doesn't               turn               out               to               be               the               one               true               one               just               say,               'sorry,               my               mistake'               and               forget               about               it?"
               Duane               looked               at               Martin,               nodded               and               said,               "My               mother               did               that               you               know.

She               was               ahead               of               her               time,               getting               shed               of               the               culls               and               looking               for               something               new.

Didn't               believe               in               living               with               her               mistakes.

I               can't               blame               her               for               leaving               my               father.

Nobody               with               any               sense               stayed               around               him.

And               the               two               in               between,               I               don't               know...they               didn't               last.

The               fourth               one               she's               stayed               with               and               seems               to               be               happy,               but               I               wonder.

Is               that               her               one               true               love?

Is               it               or               did               she               just               decide,               this               is               it.

Does               love               happen               or               do               we               create               it?

Just               get               tired               of               looking               and               make               do               with               whatever               we've               got?"
               "Making               do,"               Martin               said.

"That's               the               secret               to               happiness."
               "What's               happiness               got               to               do               with               it,"               Duane               said.
               Martin               looked               across               the               room,               then               cut               his               eyes               quickly               back               to               Duane               and               said,               "Your               car               here?"
               "Sure."
               "Can               I               get               a               ride?"
               "Been               here               too               long.

I'll               be               calling               a               cab               I               think."
               "I'll               drive.

I've               got               to               get               out               of               here."               He               pointed               with               his               chin               at               a               lean,               t-shirted               man               with               tattoos               and               long               hair.

"That               guy's               scary."
               "Well."
               "Well,               come               on."
               "Come               on,               please.

Leaning               forward,               Martin               put               his               hand               on               Duane's               arm               and               squeezed               it.

"I'll               buy               you               a               beer               somewhere               else."
               Duane               looked               down               at               the               hand               gripping               his               arm               and               said,               "Now               I               know               I'm               drunk."
               "How's               that?"
               "Didn't               jump               when               you               touched               me.

Makes               me               jump,               usually,               when               someone               touches               me."
               Martin               yanked               his               hand               away.

"I'm               sorry."
               "No,               that's               all               right."
               "You               don't               like               to               be               touched?"
               "Sure               I               do.

I               mean               I               like               it               fine.

It's               just               I'm               afraid               of               it.

Makes               me               nervous.

Don't               know               why."
               "You're               afraid               of               being               touched?"
               "It's               not               their               touch               I'm               afraid               of,               it's               what               they'll               feel               and               then               the               tall,               thin               man               with               long               hair               and               tattoos               that               Martin               had               been               trying               to               dodge               was               beside               them               saying               to               Martin,               "What's               this?

Trying               to               act               your               age?"
               "Just               trying               to               remember               what               it's               like               to               be               with               a               man."
               "I've               spit               out               more               man               than               he               is."
               "If               you               could               only               live               up               to               your               imagination,               what               a               world               it               would               be,"               Martin               said.
               "I               only               have               to               live               up               to               your's               dear."
               Martin               stood               then,               tugging               at               Duane's               arm,               prodding               him               to               stiffly               push               himself               to               his               feet.

"Listen,               I'd               love               to               chit               chat,               but               I               have               to               take               my               friend               here               home."
               The               young               man               said               to               Duane,               "What's               your               name               friend?"
               "Duane."
               "He               likes               it               rough,               Duane."
               "I'd               tell               you               to               go               fuck               yourself,"               Duane               said,               "but               I               think               it's               too               late."
               "Well,               he               does               speak."
               While               pulling               Duane               toward               the               door               Martin               pretended               to               look               at               his               watch.

"School's               letting               out               Buck.

Maybe               you               can               pick               up               a               special               ed               student               or               something."
               "I               don't               really."
               "What?"
               "Like               it               rough.

Not               really.

That               was               Buck,               he               gave               himself               that               name."
               "Buck?"
               "That's               the               guy               in               Midnight               Cowboy,               you               know?

The               movie?"
               "Yeah               I               know.

Book               too."
               "Oh,               do               you               read?"
               "I               used               to."
               "Used               to?"
               "Can't               concentrate               anymore.

He               your               lover?"
               "Oh               lord,               more               like               a               breathing               vibrator.

He               doesn't               have               enough               soul               to               be               a               lover.

Or               character.

Or               intelligence.

Listen,               you               want               to               have               sex?"
               "I'd               rather               not."
               "Want               me               to               suck               your               dick?"
               "No,               thank               you.

I               don't               swing               that               way."
               "Good.

I               don't               really               want               to               have               sex               either.

You               have               to               get               that               out               of               the               way               before               you               can               just               be               people               with               each               other,               seems               to               me.

Want               a               beer?"
               "Sure.

You               think               I'm               gay?"
               "No.

Guys               crossover               you               know,               especially               when               they               got               a               few               drinks               in               them.

Want               to               try               the               big               no-no               I               guess.

It's               not               that               uncommon.

Just               curiosity."
               "I'm               not               curious."
               "Hey,               man,               that               suits               me               fine.

I               get               so               tired               of               looking,               finding,               seducing               or               being               seduced.

The               whole               sad               game.

Sometimes               I               just               want               to               clip               that               little               fucker,               get               it               all               off               of               my               mind."
               "It               doesn't               bother               me               much               anymore."
               "You               don't               get               horny?"
               "Not               so               much."
               "No               relationships?"
               "No."
               "Quick               trips               down               to               Grand               Avenue?"
               "No."
               "How               long's               it               been               for               you?"
               "Since               I've               had               sex?"
               "Since               the               last               pounding."
               "Twelve               years."
               "Jesus               Christ,               does               it               still               work?"
               "I               think               so."
               "I               envy               you.

You               know,               I               don't               really               think               I               get               that               horny               either,               not               really.

Just               want               love.

Sex               is               as               close               as               I               can               get               I               guess."
               "You're               breaking               my               heart."
               "Sorry               to..."
               "No,               no.

I'm               not               being               a               wise               ass.

I               mean               it.

I               went               through               a               period,               back               in               my               thirties.

Used               to               go               to               adult               bookstores               a               lot.

Wife               and               I               weren't               getting               along.

I               used               to               go               to               the               booths,               put               in               my               tokens.

Skip               from               one               channel               to               the               next               watching               people               fuck.

Don't               really               know               why.

Didn't               get               me               off               or               anything.

Just               wanted               to               see               people               coming               together               in               passion.

Even               if               it               was               fake."
               "Anyway,               there               used               to               be               all               these               guys,               hanging               out.

Gay               guys               I               guess.

All               of               them               so               lonely,               trying               to               touch,               make               contact.

Standing               alone,               back               there               in               the               booths.

Never               said               anything,               just               looked.

Their               eyes,               so               much               loneliness,               pain.

They               broke               my               heart."
               "Ever               since               then               I've               seen               the               gay               life               not               as               bad               or               anything,               but               so               sad.

Just               so               sad."
               "We               don't               have               a               monopoly               on               sadness.

It's               not               just               a               gay               thing."
               "I               know.

I'm               exaggerating.

You               get               these               impressions,               they               stay               with               you."
               That               night,               after               Duane               had               Martin               drive               him               to               the               VA               and               he               checked               into               the               substance               abuse               ward,               when               he               was               in               the               smoking               shack,               the               man               who               came               in               was               young               and               bowed,               bearing,               prematurely,               an               old               man's               hump,               his               long               black               hair               hanging               straight               down               past               his               ears               to               the               floor.

He               walked               past               Duane               and               sat               on               the               bench,               then               turned               his               head               sideways               looking               at               him               on               an               upward               angle               through               the               blind               of               his               hair               and               Duane               said,               "How               you               doing?"
               The               young               man               had               a               wide               face               centered               by               a               cluster               of               small,               fine               features               that               smiled               at               Duane               and               said,               "I'm               having               it               easy               this               time.

I               was               only               drinking               a               week.

They               let               you               smoke               in               here?"
               "Yeah."
               "You               got               another               one               of               those?"
               "Sure."
               Duane               held               out               his               pack               and,               as               he               took               it,               fished               out               a               smoke               the               young               man               kept               speaking.

"They               pump               you               so               full               of               drugs               you               need               to               piss,               you               can't               find               your               own               dick.

Sitting               in               a               corner               in               a               puddle               of               piss               and               you're               happy               as               a               clam,               they've               got               you               so               fucked               up."
               He               got               a               cigarette               out               and               into               his               mouth,               was               looking               up               to               ask               for               a               light               and               saw               that               Duane               was               already               holding               out               his               lighter.

He               leaned               forward,               pulled               on               the               cigarette,               exhaled               smoke,               nodded               thanks,               then               leaned               down               and               spoke               to               the               floor.
               "Used               to               they'd               stone               you.

Then               they               took               to               nailing               you               to               a               tree.

Then               they               tied               you               to               a               tree               and               burned               your               ass               up               and               then               they               hung               you               from               a               tree               and               maybe               burned               up               your               ass               too."               He               shook               his               head,               took               the               cigarette               from               his               mouth               and               tipped               the               ash               very               carefully               into               the               ashtray.
               "Now               the               drug               you               into               a               zombie.

Don't               know               which               is               more               diabolical."
               He               looked               up               at               Duane,               grinned.

"I'm               Lynn.

Don't               mind               me.

I'm               just               one               more               crazy               Indian.

Go               ahead,               ask."
               "Ask               what?"
               "Ask               me               what               tribe               I               belong               to.

Isn't               that               what               you're               wondering               about?"
               "All               right.

What               tribe               do               you               belong               to?"
               "Northern               Cheyenne."
               "I'm               part               Native               American."
               "You               look               white."
               "But               I'm               not,               not               all.

I'm               Indian               and               Jewish               and               white."
               "What               brand               Indian?"
               "Seminole               on               my               father's               side,               Cherokee               on               my               mother's."
               "Cherokee.

Every               white               man               has               a               Cherokee               in               the               woodpile.

Seminole's               different.

Not               many               claim               Seminole."
               "Well,               Oklahoma               Seminoles,               the               ones               that               gave               up."
               "All               Oklahoma               Indians,               exile               Indians."
               "Yeah,               I               guess.

What               did               you               mean,               not               many               claim               Seminole?"
               "White               wannabees.

People               start               telling               you               how               they're               part               Indian,               native               they               say               now.

I'm               part               native.

They               usually               say               Cherokee               or,               these               days               Lakota               is               big.

Real               popular               tribe,               the               Lakotas.

Not               Sioux               anymore.

Lakotas.

Jewish               too?"
               "Yeah,               my               great               grandma               Kennison               was               a               Jewish               lady."
               "Is               Kennison               a               Jewish               name?"
               "No.

She               married               an               Anglo."
               "Married               away               from               her               people."
               "Yeah."
               "Maybe               you               can               tell               me.

I've               always               wondered               about               this.

Your               Jewish               people,               are               they               white               or               colored?

I               mean               they               seem               white,               but               so               often               other               whites               treat               them               like               coloreds.

I've               never               got               a               handle               on               how               that               works."
               "Neither               have               I,               now               that               I               think               about               it.

I               don't               know."
               "Was               she               a               practicing               Jew?"
               "No,               she               converted.

She               was               Pentacostal."
               "One               of               them."
               "Yeah."
               "You               want               to               hear               something               funny?"
               "I               guess."
               The               young               man,               Lynn,               sucked               smoke               from               the               cigarette,               then               looked               up               sideways               at               Duane               and               spoke,               letting               the               words               come               out               with               the               smoke.
               "I'm               the               son               of               God."
               "Oh               yeah?"
               "Yeah,               isn't               that               a               hoot.

Wouldn't               expect               it               would               you?
               "No,               no               I               wouldn't."
               "Drunk               goddamed               Indian               in               detox               being               the               One.
               "You               mean               you're               the               second               coming?"
               "No,               no.

It's               happened               before.

Many               times.

I               think               I'm               the               twenty               fourth,               but               I               could               be               wrong."
               "I               thought               there'd               only               be               one."
               "So               did               He,"               Lynn               said,               but               best               laid               plans...just               hasn't               worked               out...nobody               listens."
               "Oh,"               Duane               said.
               "Yeah.

It's               getting               to               be               a               pisser               too.

I               mean               we've               been               preaching               love               you               neighbor               for               over               two               thousand               years               and               you're               still               kicking               his               ass.

You'd               be               mad               too.

I'm               pissed               as               hell.

You               have               kids?"
               "Yeah."
               "Then               you               should               know               what               I               mean.

It's               not               easy,               we               know               that.

Life               can               be               a               pain.

People               who               want               to               be               alone               can't               find               a               quiet               spot.

Lonely               people               can't               find               anyone               to               talk               to,               much               less               fuck."
               "People               who               don't               want               kids               have               them               every               time               they               turn               around,               have               em               until               they               can't               think               what               to               do.

Desert               them,               shove               them               out               on               the               highway               or               toss               them               in               a               dumpster.

Kill               them               and               people               who               want               a               baby               can't               get               knocked               up               for               anything."
               "You               want               a               thing               and               they're               all               out.

Don't               care               and               you're               knee               deep               in               the               shit.

Nothing               works.

Take               the               Army,               train               you               to               be               a               medic,               a               medic               during               a               war               when               there's               a               world               full               of               people               needing               medical               attention               and               you               end               up               typing               forms               in               a               company               clerk's               office."
               "What?"               Duane               said               and               Lynn               looked               up               at               him,               smiling.
               "I               don't               do               that               very               often.

Spooks               people               out."
               "I..."               Duane               said.
               "Look,               take               it               easy.

I               mean               you               guys               haven't               got               a               chance               anyway.

Look,               you               put               some               fool               into               a               position               where               the               only               thing               that               keeps               him               from               being               a               lion               turd               is               a               sharp               stick,               guy               tends               to               worry               more               about               sticks...is               it               sharp               enough...do               I               have               enough....Than               about               the               universe,               the               meaning               of               life,               God.

Only               natural."
               "But               many               do,               worry               about               God,               meanings               and               that's               the               point.

Despite               it               all.

Despite               the               lions               and               stiff               pricks               and               empty               bellies."
               "Look               at               you,               the               heart               you've               got,               the               soul.

The               way               you               feel,               after               all               these               years.

Feel               so               much               sometimes               you               can't               even               move,               just               have               to               stand               there               and               suffer."
               "These               things               are               noticed.

Fifty               years               you've               been               at               it               and               you               haven't               let               up.

If               emotional               scars               were               visible,               printed               on               the               skin               like               tattoos,               you               wouldn't               have               any               plain               skin               left."
               Lynn               lifted               his               head,               looked               out               the               shack               window               and               looked               down               again.

Then               he               said,               "You               see               that               guy,               the               oriental               guy               sweeping               the               sidewalk?

He's               Vietnamese,               a               little               older               than               you.

He's               lost               two               families,               wives               and               children.

Three               if               you               count               his               parents,               siblings,               cousins."
               "Gone.

Dead               and               scattered.

Disappeared.

Lost               a               country               too,               his               property,               career,               legacy,               every               goddam               thing."
               "So               what's               he               do               in               this               hard               white               land               of               gutteral               speech               and               no               respect?

He               tries               again.

He's               keeping               the               faith               with               wife               number               three,               and               they're               trying               for               children.

This               is               frankly               beyond               belief,               but               there               it               is.

And               that               lady,               his               wife.

She's               from               Cambodia               and               her               story               makes               his               look               like               a               fairy               tale.

That               lady               once               had               to               watch               a               child               of               hers               slaughtered               like               a               pig,               right               in               front               of               her."
               "And               she's               trying               again,               trying               again."
               "That's               the               goddam               miracle,               the               meaning               of               life,               the               secret               of               the               universe.

That's               the               point.

That's               God's               true               name."
               "I               don't               know."
               "You               don't               know.

Look,               would               you               give               me               one               thing?"
               "What?"
               "The               proposition               that               most               people,               fucked               up               and               as               stupid               as               they               are,               do               the               best               they               can.

Would               you               give               me               that               much?"
               "I               guess."
               "Don't               say               I               guess.

Say               yes               or               no."
               "Yes."
               "Well               then?"
               Duane               looked               at               him               without               comprehension               and               Lynn               winced.
               "Well               then,               so               do               you.

The               best               you               can.

Duh...."
               The               next               day               a               nurse               named               Susan               who               had               checked               Duane               in               came               in               to               tell               him               he               was               ready               to               go.
               "Already?"
               "Yes.

We               think               so.

You               have               a               pretty               good               record               of               sobriety.

We               don't               think               this               slip               is               terribly               significant.
               "You               don't?"
               "No,               we               don't.

And               your               friend               has               come               for               you,               asking               if               he               could               take               you               home,               so               we               decided,               since               you               have               support,               you               might               as               well               go               home."
               "My               friend?"
               "Yes."               She               looked               at               a               clipboard               on               her               desk,               searched               with               a               forefinger               for               a               moment,               then               said,               "A               Mr.

Martin."
               In               the               hall,               holding               a               hand               full               of               discharge               papers,               he               knocked               on               Lynn's               room               door               and               stuck               his               head               in.
               "I'm               out               of               here,"               he               said.
               "You               leaving?"
               "Yeah,               going               home."
               "Good               for               you.

Good               for               you."
               "They               ever               going               to               let               you               out?"
               "All               in               His               good               time.

By               the               way,               your               son               is               fine.

Doesn't               suffer.

He               does               dream,               Martin               was               right.

His               dreams               are               made               of               memories.

The               memories               you               gave               him.

They're               happy               ones,               thanks               to               you."
               "Will               I               ever               be               able               to               talk               to               him?"
               "You               do               it               every               day               buddy."
               "Yeah,               right."
               "I               know               it's               hard               to               believe,               but               there               it               is."
               "I               guess."
               "Listen               to               me.

I               know.

I'm               as               crazy               as               a               pack               of               rabid               dogs.

That's               why               you               can               trust               me."
               In               the               car               Martin               said,               "I               hope               you               don't               mind."
               "I               don't."
               "I               mean               I               didn't               know               if               your               had               a               way               home.

I               asked               them               how               you               were               doing               and               they               said               you               could               go               if               there               was               someone,               you               know,               to               help               out               and               I               said               "Me.

I               told               them               you               have               no               family,               that               I'm               a               friend."
               "You               are."
               "Is               there?

Family               I               mean?"
               "Just               Richard."
               "Yes.

Richard.

We               need               to               talk               about               that."
               "What?"
               "We're               not               all               fakes               you               know."
               The               day               after               that               they               gathered               in               Richard's               room,               Martin               leading               Duane               in               and               helping               him               take               a               seat               by               the               boy's               bed.

He               stood               there               then,               at               Duane's               shoulder               as               the               rest               spread               woven               straw               mats               and               sat               on               the               floor.
               This               channeler               was               a               middle               aged               woman,               Asian               and               dressed               in               ceremonial               garb.

She               sat               a               silver               bowl               before               herself               and               put               rice               in               it.

Then               she               sat               three               eggs               in               the               rice               and               connected               the               eggs               with               white               string.

Several               people,               men               and               women               on               their               straw               mats               droned               prayers               and               three               musicians               played,               a               drum,               a               flute               and               an               odd               looking               stringed               instrument               Duane               had               never               seen               before.

Sitting,               the               woman               swayed               to               the               music.
               A               sharp,               single               word               Duane               didn't               know,               but               obviously               meant               stop               or               no.

She               held               her               right               hand               out,               palm               out               and               fingers               spread               in               a               signal               to               cease               and               jumped               to               her               feet.

She               criss-crossed               the               room               in               a               staggering               stalk,               pulling               up               short               in               front               of               the               musicians,               glaring               at               them,               then               rushing               to               an               empty               corner               and               leaning               against               the               wall               where               she               suddenly               went               rigid,               her               back               arced,               head               back               looking               at               the               ceiling,               then               relaxed.
               Leaning               there,               against               the               wall,               the               channeler               rotated               her               neck               as               if               it               were               stiff,               closed               her               eyes               and               rubbed               her               head.

She               spoke               then               in               a               young               man's               voice               mouthing               clear,               flat               toned               middle               western               English               saying,               "Man..."
               The               channeler               spoke               then,               to               everyone               as               her               eyes               fell               on               them               saying,               "Hi"               or               "Hey"               or               "How               you               doing."               The               channeler               waved               at               everyone               and               grinned.

Then               she               spotted               Duane               and               stepped               to               him,               looking               into               his               eyes               as               the               grin               deepened               and               he               channeler               grasped               his               hand,               said,               "Hi               dad."






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